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Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males have open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.